Some jokes

So I’m tired again and it’s time to blog. I could have blogged earlier when I was less tired, but I failed. Partly because I’ve been having fun reading random blogs 🙂

This one said it was worth writing if you make one person smile, or laugh, somewhere in the world. So instead of me trying to dredge up something coherent while I’m tired, here are some of my favourite jokes.

(Disclaimer – I did not invent these jokes. I make no guarantee of the quality of these jokes. Warning: some of the jokes may make you groan. Or not. They are clean and safe, apart from a little toilet humour. Some of them are very old. I mean really old.)

 

Patient: Doctor, doctor, my family thinks I’m mad!

Doctor: Why?

P: Because I like sausages.

D: But I like sausages too.

P: You do? You must come and see my collection – I have thousands!

(I always picture the sausages pinned to boards under glass like butterflies, or neatly labelled in drawers, by category…)

 

How many ears did Billy the Kid have?

Three – a left ear, a right ear and a wild frontier!

(Again, my visual brain pictures a wildly wriggling ear on the front of the man’s forehead. This image usually has me in stitches, even when I tell the joke myself. I am laughing now.)

 

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dunggggg!

 

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick!

 

What’s green and has ten thousand legs?

Grass.

I lied about the legs.

 

What red and lies upside down in the gutter?

A dead bus.

 

My favourite Tudor joke (yes, a genuine 16th century joke!):

Which animal is it which hath her tail between her eyes?

That is a cat, as she licketh her arse!

 

My favourite Anglo-Saxon riddle (paraphrased):

I have one eye, one nose, one mouth,

One neck, one back, one belly,

Two arms, two shoulders, two legs

And a hundred heads.

What am I?

A one-eyed seller of garlic!

 

I know some shaggy dog stories as well, but I think that’s enough for one day!

What’s your favourite joke? Please only leave clean jokes with no cruelty to animals!