Letting go and moving on

January 17, 2013 at 8:08 PM 7 comments

Not from the blog, don’t panic🙂 In fact, more frequent posting is one of the things I hope to move on to! And I’ve set the bar for that vaguely worded ambition nice and low since I haven’t posted since August.

No, what I have had to let go of is my PhD.

None shall pass

I am not going to write a thesis.

I am not going to be Dr Runologist. (Although I am still a proper genuine authentic runologist😀 because my supervisor said so, so there. After all, I did find knotted runes! Twice!!)

This has by no means been an easy decision, although it feels somehow inevitable. I have been off sick from it for 2 years so have had plenty of time to get used to not actually working on it. Yes, I can’t quite believe that either, being off sick for 2 years! It was good of them to let me keep extending rather than forcing me to stop dithering and go already, although my husband might not agree. He prefers to have decisions made, where I prefer to keep things open.

Nonetheless it has still be traumatic and not at all easy to let go of.

I knew when I made my last extension of the time off that it was the last time I could do that, so at the beginning of January I should be writing it again. I tried. Oh yes, I did try, I didn’t just bottle out and give up. I opened up the files, read through what I had done, marvelled at how rubbish it was, made plans, considered the best course onwards, panicked, got stressed, felt overwhelmed, tried harder, looked at different files which were more promising, failed to figure out how to build on those, worked myself up more, despaired, phoned my Dad and had a good talk, went to see my supervisor and eventually after several very difficult days gave in.

Some paths are too difficult with a disability.

Some paths are too difficult.

So that’s it. The end.

Not entirely of course, I am still a runologist after all! I shall still go to the odd talk and conference, I shall try to write an article or two. The university has links with local schools and I have volunteered to teach them runes as part of their study of the Vikings, which I have done on one occasion and was great fun, they picked them up fast and loved writing secret messages to each other🙂 I might even try teaching adult education and doing after dinner talks. I have done a couple of those which went down very well and I got paid for. My powerpoint skillz rock😀

I also intend to start another blog to share some of the work I have done but not written up. It needs to be more professional looking than this casual chatty one, with a proper plan and a serious purpose (but not boring!) so I need to work on it for a while before making it public, but when I do I shall link to it from here. I might still talk about runology here of course, a blog called Knotrune with no runes would be an odd place. Er, OK so it’s already an odd place, but I mean odd in a not quite right way😛

But that is not the extent of my writing ambitions for this year, oh no. This year I am going to finish writing a novel! I have started several, and it doesn’t matter which one I finish, but I am jolly well going to finish one, or die trying!🙂

Other paths beckon.

Other paths beckon.

That is my minimum novel writing goal, finishing a first draft. If I really get going I would like to finish a first draft in a few months (if I use a half done one it shouldn’t be any harder than NaNoWriMo!) then maybe if it’s good enough see about the next step, publication!

Is that a big scary goal or what?!😀 But I shall be happy if I end up somewhere between having a whole first draft and a published book. After all, I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself after having seen how wonderfully well I handle that! Which is why I have the minimum goal as well as the big scary one.

After all, you never know what else a year holds. I do also want to leave some space and time for crafting, crochet and other hobbies. And of course for blogging!

All photos are my own, I don’t mind if you pin them.

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Aardvark Parasol Addiction

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. hmunro  |  January 18, 2013 at 11:24 AM

    It’s so wonderful to see you blogging again, Knotrune! I’ve missed your voice (and your keen insights as well).

    Congratulations on deciding *not* to write your thesis. Congratulations, because it takes tremendous courage to let go of a dream. And congratulations for having the wisdom to see that your dream was no longer serving you.

    I hope the year ahead brings renewal — and lots of time and energy to pursue the other things you love. (Like the beautiful photos you’ve posted.)

    In any case, welcome back!

    Reply
    • 2. knotrune  |  January 18, 2013 at 1:55 PM

      Thanks🙂 The photos were taken a couple of days ago, we’ve had some pretty weather!

      Reply
  • 3. I'd Rather Be In Iceland  |  January 18, 2013 at 5:12 PM

    Welcome back! You must feel a lot better having made a decision one way or the other. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you thought they would. The novel sounds exciting, I bet you will love the whole process.

    Reply
    • 4. knotrune  |  January 22, 2013 at 7:30 PM

      Thanks🙂 Not sure I do feel better yet. I’m still sad to let it go, but I am glad I can go out in the snow without feeling I ought to be writing! And for the novel it’s research – there is snow in my novel!😉

      Reply
  • 5. Kat  |  January 19, 2013 at 9:32 PM

    Good to see your writing again!

    You’ve made an incredibly courageous decision and it sounds like it’s the right one for you at this point. As you say, letting go of the PhD doesn’t mean letting go of runology, and your plans for work in school and in adult education sound really exciting. If you ever do any talks let me know – I’d love to come along! I’m glad that the wretched PhD experience hasn’t soured your obvious love for runes.

    The novel sounds like a great idea, as does your crafting. And if you ever want any blog help, give me a shout.

    Reply
    • 6. knotrune  |  January 22, 2013 at 7:33 PM

      It doesn’t feel brave, it feels lazy, so thanks for saying that! I’ll try to make sure I post news of any talks, but there are none in the pipeline just yet, it would be great if you did come to one🙂 And thanks for the offer of help, I’ll bear it in mind if I get stuck with anything.

      Reply
  • 7. tableofcolors  |  February 25, 2013 at 1:31 PM

    Good luck achieving your goals! The photographs are absolutely beautiful!

    Reply

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