Trying to live with anxiety
I’m getting fed up with this stupid condition, it’s really annoying. I can think I might be OK when I’ve had a few days without feeling anxious, but then I get it again and I realise I was maybe just not feeling anxious on those days because I didn’t try to do anything scary.
That’s why I like crochet, it mostly doesn’t make me anxious. In fact if I feel troubled, I am calmer after about 20 stitches or so. Not totally, but any improvement has to be good! I say mostly, because on a bad day I can find it problematic deciding what project to work on, what yarn to use, anything really.
Today was a bad day, after several days of feeling calm, tired, not exactly well, but not anxious. I was especially pleased that I didn’t feel anxiety on Saturday, as we had a family day out and I did get tired and there was a problem with my meal which I did not handle well. I felt bad about that, but not anxious in the way I have today. It’s quite a specific feeling and can strike out of the blue. It is often related to thoughts of stuff I ought to do or haven’t done or time running out, but it can also just happen with no obvious trigger.
The key word there may be obvious, but I haven’t always managed to figure it out. Sometimes it is the thought of going out, even somewhere I like, but only half the time. I suppose usually when I’m feeling tired or a bit unwell. But it is a nuisance.
I think today may have been that I felt a bit better. Saturday wiped me out and I was good for nothing on Sunday, couldn’t even consider going to church. Yesterday I felt much better, but had no need to go out. And today I didn’t feel as tired, but the anxiety struck. I suppose that might be to do with having no excuse to not consider doing stuff. After all, if you’re ill, exhausted, recovering or whatever, you can’t be expected to do anything problematic, especially if you managed to do something useful like the washing.
But I’m fed up of feeling either tired or anxious! It sometimes seems I have one or the other. Energy levels have been a fight for so long now because of the arthritis, so I seriously don’t need another complicating factor. If some part of me, some reptile brain or whatever they call it, is learning that it can avoid anxiety by making me feel tired then I will have an even bigger problem!
How long have I been waiting now for my appointment I was supposed to get in 3 months? I can’t chase it up, it’s too stressful! I can’t even check. I know loads of other people have the same problem, because of the current economic climate, but then there should be more counsellors employed by the NHS. I don’t want to jump the queue, I’m sure I’m not worse than the other people in the queue and maybe in a better position to wait than some. Husband is being very tolerant about my crapitude and yarn addiction, but he does feel frustrated at the unfairness of my lack of contribution to the household, which was never half due to my disability.
I had a visit from one the church elders, a nice chat about theology etc and we prayed. I felt tired after that, but less anxious. It came back though when husband suggested going out for dinner. I think I must have felt too tired to want to go out. We had fish and chips instead🙂
But the weather was lovely for an evening stroll, so when he suggested that a little after dinner, I thought it sounded nice. But the anxiety hit me again, so I decided to stay in. Except it didn’t go away. So I thought, stuff it, if I’m going to feel anxious whether I stay in or go out, I’ll jolly well go out and enjoy the fresh air! So we had a nice stroll round the lake. And the anxiety reduced as I enjoyed being there in the beauties of God’s creation.
But it’s not sustainable in the long term. I need to somehow become more functional. And I don’t know how.
Now where did I put that crochet?